Funny how when people congratulate me for the promotion, I actually had mixed feelings. Am i good enough for this rank? Did I kill my own man to get this promotion? Did I work hard enough to get my CI(1)? Was I just lucky? So many things actually ran through my mind. But overall, I kept asking myself, Did I deserve this?
So I sat back and think again. Why don’t I think I deserve it?
I did field way back in 2016. I ran with 20 manual counters with no automatic gates. Running with ops room which had no sympathy at all for bus hall. My bus hall queue was all the way to glass door, with officers asking for tangos, and sometimes with a partner who just think about their own zone.
When people had doubt on me and when I wanted to give up even on myself because their words was ‘Si dekni jadi field? Boleh ke?’ Was it because I was a female? Was it because I was just a SGT2? Is that why? Nobody knew the hardship I faced when people insulted me. All the scoldings and insult that i received, to give them their tangos and extra break, nobody knew. I decided to take the negativity and make it into positivity. It wasn’t easy but I did it.
When I came back from ML and all I wanted to do was to post out, I still had to do bus field. During Covid-19, with the 50% manning, I had to run bus field alone for every 2nd shift. While people had good breaks since BSI open from 7am-7pm, I can’t even have a proper sleep, well, because nobody can cover my post. And what did I do? I slept and standby at flexi for a good 3 month. And that was the start of our 12 hr night shift.
I cover for my officers and when they gave me problems, not one did I ever report to my supervisor because I don’t want to be that bad bitch. When they went missing, I had to cover their ass. But in return, I was still the bad person. But how long can I actually cover all these ass. Until how long do I have to be the bad person while covering their ass. I was tired. Friends or not, it was hard keeping that line when it comes to work.
Then I started doing ops room, I was all alone. I was on survival mode. I hated ops room. I hate the people, I hate the atmosphere, I just hated how it work at ops room. But when I was given the opportunity even tho I had rejected it many times, I still try my best. I try not to be the ops room that I hated. Instead, I try to understand both field, PSO, and ops room mind set. I did. And how was I alone at ops room, u/s all by myself, getting scolded for wrong decisions but at the same time learning from my mistakes. It was hell for me. And it is still hell. People look at me being a bitch, but they don’t see the amount of pressure I was being pressured by the upper management. And i don’t show it too because they will never understand it.
So, then again…why don’t I deserve my promotion? For all the effort I put in my work, I deserve this promotion. And with the support of my husband, and praises to Allah, Alhamdulilah, I got what I had work for. I deserve this. I deserve a pat on my back.
Good job. You did it!
